she said she missed her period, but is going to six flags... think im safe?
just saw a girl with a lower back tattoo of the boondock saints prayer.. i will marry her
I just spent the past twenty minutes checking out a girl who turned out to be a mannequin. I need AA.
dude im at a party with a bunch of 17 year old gilrs this is awesome
no its not leave
I just saw an old lady yelling at a dead pigeon for leaving the oven on.
I think i lit a firework with a joint. happy birthday, america?
Drunk Tina signed up to be part of the crew team and got a text from the captain telling her there's practice tomorrow. Wtf
Better than last year. I didn't wake up to an after thanksgiving human shit on my living room floor. I think it's a sign I'm growing up at almost 30.
I just accidentally hit share on pornhub... Probably the scariest moment of my life
how did you know i stayed over last night?
there was a trail of glow sticks and cheetos from the front door all the way to his bedroom
I may have to marry her. She is smarter than me and has a six figure job and doesn't want to have kids. All I have to be is a trophy husband.
Slept with the roommate last night and also discovered that she believes in eugenics. I may need to slow down my drinking
Last nights hook up turn into a star wars history lesson.. He's luck y he's pretty..
I'm bringing pajamas, aspirin, morning after clothes and morning after pill
I’m appalled by how severely I lower my standards when I’m horny & impaired
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