When you told me you were coming to my show, I didn't know you were bringing Satan and Brokeback Mountain with you.
We were driving to yogurt express by state and these girls mooned is while they passed us and we saw full vag complete with tampon string dangling.
Circumcision scars are like fingerprints. I think I'm on to something man.
best friends dont let best friends get an STD of the eyeball just saying
You called me 32 times last night just to tell me you felt a heartbeat in your vagina?
I was giving this guy head and he stopped me to look me in the eyes and say "you have a gift"
Dude, I came home and you were passed out halfway through the front door in your Minnie Mouse outfit... with a beer still in hand
My Midnight Kiss was a Big Mac.. Happy New Year
Just got a blow job from a woman on a ski slope. She said ski'ing frightens her and giving head calms her down. Glad I could help ma'am!
I'm just waking up. I awoke in a towel (I must have showered at some point),i also found a half eaten McChicken in my bed and vomit in the toilet. Seems like I'm winning at life
My sensibilities as a lady demand we cuddle on the couch, and THEN have loud, raunchy sex. Idk, what do you want to do?
Did you clean my apartment?
I thought it was a dream, I'm sorry
Please stay more often
I got drunk off three vodka cranberry’s and told him to “WWE raw dog me.” Fucking kill me.
i have to pee so bad and he is sleeping and idk where the bathroom or my clothes are!!!
If that pentatonix bullshit is playing when I get home we're breaking up
Randomize
