i may or may not have just grinded on your dog thinking it was my boyfriend
Received world's greatest BJ while in a planetarium. Was seeing stars while seeing stars.
The woman exiting the men's room tried convincing me she was actually a good-looking man.
He's such a gentleman. He didn't even ask why my bra was flung on the seat of my car. He just took my snow brush, pushed it onto the floor and said, "Let's go I'm hungry."
Hey.. Here's a thought for the evening. There's only two more sleeps until I fuck you so hard my back teeth will convulse.. Here's too Tuesday! Woohooooo
All I could think when I saw it was, "All right, Vagina, only one of us is getting out of this alive."
Whenever you get off. By "pick me up from work" I mean, "pick me up from a bar by work at your earliest convenience" :)
Well. I went to a frat party where they mixed gin and Mountain Dew. My kingdom for some olives and vermouth.
I feel very compelled to cut off the person's ears that is sitting in front of me
I've come to realize that I need a break from life when I just tried to use my address numbers as the cook time on the microwave
You used his ass cheeks to demonstrate how to play the bongos and he still called you the next day. That's true love.
My husband gave me a key to his house. I thinks this means we're getting kinda serious.
She rode me wearing nothing but a Santa hat. Merriest fucking Christmas!
I am far too sober to understand you right now. sorry.
We're playing drunken roulette. We're taking exlax followed by shots. First person to shit themselves loses!
Randomize
