Guess who has two thumbs, loves booze, and just dug half a handle of rumb out of a trash can in a freshmen dorm? This classy gentleman. Good day to you sir!
our health teacher's ringtone is Bad Romance and she has a tramp stamp. i will not skip this class, ever.
my debit card account is gonna say movie, movie, ice cream, movie, cheese fries, get a fucking life, movie
My niece just called my sister in law a teabagger. I love NPR and it's corrupting influence on small children
I just hit the bong during the whole bday song then blew the candles out with my exhale.
I offered you a bag but you said "I gotta break in the new carpet" and you puked all over the floor
I would have gladly let him decapitate me with the way he was biting on my neck.
You had one beer and one beer can full of vodka and you took a huge gulp of one of them and called it Emily Roulette
Apparently there's nothing on sonza for "giving a handjob while sunbathing"
Somehow i instagrammed my acceptance letter while blacked out. Then my grandma was the first to comment on it. I got over 50 likes....Phd here I come....
I bought a mink out of the back of some guy's van on my walk home from the bar yesterday
a guy just skateboarded past my window in a bunny suit while chased by a dog walker
This may be the most redneck thing I've ever said, but I know all there is to know about farting dogs
About that photo of the cake you just sent. You do realize it’s on a glass table, right? We can all see your reflection in it, and you’re very obviously naked.
What is the best medium with which to say, "Happy Birthday, I'm having your abortion"... Cake? Card?
Randomize
