dude, the summer is killing me. i just woke up cause my balls were stuck to HER leg!
I don't know if the fire truck was perfect timing or if she actually burned something down.
just told my mom that i'm having a bad day and she responded with "maybe you should pour yourself a nice drink". good to know that my parents support my future of alcoholism
Siri just reminded me to pickup Plan B
you reached into a lemon drop to pull out a lemon of someone else's drink..
There's a bag in my room with garbage, a thong, fritos, and an electrical cord. I'm assuming it's yours
........yyyyyyeah that's me
I am stoned and listening to the Olympics music I downloaded on Saturday. Best 6 dollars I have ever spent.
Agreed then we'll really be on our A game tomorrow. And by A I mean alcohol.
He would come to class in wrapped in nothing but a pink towel
I COULD BREAK CONCRETE WITH MY FOOTBALL ERECTION.
There now exists video of me holding a (recently emptied) bottle of Russian Standard vodka, trying to sing the Russian national anthem.
I'll just tell you, some how when we were having sex on Friday my collarbone got fractured.
I've sold more douches working here than one man should sell in a lifetime
But seriously, I love having sex with you and simultaneously know I never wanna date you.
You just sent me an audio message of you peeing. That’s true love right there.
Randomize
