I'm going to buy you a pony but under one condition: you have to name it sarah jessika parker
We convinced you to take a shot out of the sponge...there were still suds in it.
I hooked up with a guy dressed as Wesley from the Princess Bride. I kept telling him what I wanted him to do and all he would say was "as you wish"
I'm texting you the word "cockring" because I feel it hasn't been said enough throughout our friendship.
Just realized I probably only have one more wedding where I can say I fucked the bride.
Why am I getting texts saying are you ready for this butthole? Help
So Bodhi just sent me a pic of someone's balls with a message that says "I hope you all have a ballin' night." I don't even know what level of friendship to call this anymore.
Oh my god.
The ballsiest level.
Hold your horses dude. Titty pics are a work of art.
I’m going to try to be less of a cryptic bitch this week. Should be nice.
Hmmm... I thought we agreed as a group we make our last stand in Philly...
I don't wanna go out like that. Covered in melted cheese smelling like a sewer rat...
If I die on my walk home, please come claim the body. There is $30 in my left shoe for you....for pizza
Moms love me. I'm the reminder that they need to turn safe search on.
Did we actually play with swords last night or did I dream that?
The prescription the hospital gave me for pain and nausea doubles for my hangovers... Maybe I'll hit up the ER more often
I would cock slap so many things if I had a cock.
Randomize
