WHY CAN'T YOU EVER SHIT LIKE A NORMAL PERSON, JESSE.
Made out with some random "plus sized" young lady. She let me kiss her boobies. It was like I was 6 months old again.
I overheard a kid saying to his mom at Walmart: "Mommy.. should we buy cups for daddy's spit?"
i just saw someone crawling up the stairs to the dorm while screaming "i have the best vagina!"
he said I was the best sex he's ever had, handed me a burger king crown and told me to take my walk of shame with pride
Apparently I was holding on to a pizza crust for hours last night.
I think ppl see us as an unstoppable drunken force
Either im tripping real hard, or there's a legit land shark in my apartment.
I just took the batteries out of the xbox remote so she could replace the dead ones in her vibrator If that's not love I don't know what is
Night one million where I have madri gra beads around my neck and no justifiable reason for where they came from
I changed his name in my phone to "Irrelevant" last night. Not changing it back.
I made it to work. Still drunk. Definitely pregnant.
Terrible idea I love it
I'm sorry I couldn't bail you out, apparenty they dont take credit cards over the phone. Did you at least make any friends in jail?
it was weird going down on him. His picture of Jesus was staring at me the entire time...
Randomize
