remember that time that crown gas station wouldn't sell us a lighter so we had to use matches and birthday candles to smoke with a toilet paper roll? sometimes i miss high school
history professor just told us he has magic fingers. i'm going for it.
He was passed out on the floor holding a beer can, rolled over switched hands and never spilled a drop. We need to practice.
He's been dancing to the same Rob Thomas album in his room for almost 8 hours now. Please never, ever bring extacy over here again.
Your expertise in crazy bitches is needed.
You can't be mad because the taco bell people like me and not you. I'm not the one that puked in front of them.
He wants a "vagina fling" before he commits to dick for life. I'm gonna allow it.
I have a theory that years from now they will be with women who despise me because of what I trained their husbands to like.
Did you take the full box of samoas or do I not remember getting baked and eating half a box by myself?
You just put lesbians and Hogwarts in the same sentence. Of course I'm in.
Don't let me publish my memoir unless "hurt my ankle drunk irish dancing" is at least the title of a chapter because that is really the whole story of my life.
i mostly like you because you have a nice nose and that's an important trait to pass on to my future children
Timehop reminded me that 4 years ago today I helped a one armed man do the YMCA by being his other arm.
Idk if I should be worried or amused that my autocorrect changes the word STD to DTF.
Tomorrow is my bachelor party. If I die tomorrow, please know I graded you a "check" as a sister. "Check-minus" when you got mouthy.
Randomize
