I just woke up in my closet, wearing a pink cowboy hat and a pink thong...
I want my thong back.
I hate you tequila.
I was cleaning out my bag and I found some xanax wrapped in plastic with a note that said "use in case of emergency"
you flashed the cab driver so we didn't have to pay the fare and then you decided you were on a roll so you flashed the guy at the maccas drive through... safe to say your boob job was the best idea ever!!
bottle of wine in one hand cigar in the other. 5 am. topless on our fire escape. and she cleaned our bathroom... i like his new girlfriend.
i just woke up to a text from him apologizing for making me eat a full lemon
Woke up in my own bed with a "New Years Eve 2011" bar bracelet on. Both of these things confuse me.
im getting coffee to go get coffee.
Im throwing up in my trash can so I can go throw up in the toilet. We're basically on the same level.
Dude he's your dog he doesn't love me more than you. I'm just like that cool uncle that takes him to burger king and to see girls.
Hate sex is good. Drunk sex is better. Combine those two however and you get the best experience of your LIFE.
It has been so long since I got any action that I have decided to change my vagina's name from "the chamber of judgement" to "the cave of forgotten dreams".
I'm pleased to know that your mom refers to me as "the ass piliager" now
But I did spend part of my morning scrubbing your cum off my grandmothers piano.
someone wrote my own number down on my hand and then call me.
I'm sexting at my family's 4th of July BBQ and I feel no shame....
In any case. I fucked a married couple recently. Know what a straight person would've done there? Been super weirded out by 1/3 of the genitals there, that's what.
Randomize
