last night some bitch put bruce along with his entire fishbowl in her purse and tried to leave. how drunk do you have to be to steal someone's pet??
I decided that just having that story under my belt and being able to tell it to my grandchildren is worth the regrets of the evening.
you were the first one he came out to and you announced it as the finale while singing karaoke at the bar
You know you're deprived when the only thing you taste while chewing gum is the 2 grams of sugar alcohol.
Either I'm a lot drunker than I thought, or he has three dicks....
I think I'm gonna have to go with the first one...
I showed remarkable dignity in such a compromising situation. Except I came off as sort of a blue ball giver.
OMG stoned with flashing lights behind me, I was freaking out until I realized I wasn't driving my couch
he needs to stop knowing everyone on campus...it's making cheating on him really difficult.
he may be homeless but his dick however is not... anymore.
The last thing I remember is teaching our waffle house waitress to do the stanky leg and promising the grill cook we would come see him at his other job.
Well if I'm going to hook up with every ethnicity by the end of undergrad, I need to be moving on
I literally used, "MY VAGINA IS TOO FANTASTIC FOR HIM TO STAY GAY" as a valid argument for attempting to fuck my gay friend.
Hahahaha don't tempt me. Remember we're trying to avoid airport jail if possible
When my beach tent arrives , I strongly suggest quitting our jobs and becoming homeless beach drunks
The box said 94% effective prevention of pregnancy if used correctly but God knows I’m not gonna use it right so let’s adjust that to like a 70%
Randomize
