come pick me up. please. i just puked in my lap. bring pants.
his balls ACTUALLY tasted like nuts
bikini waxes are so much more painful when you know you're not getting laid
I learned an important lesson this weekend.... I'm way to good at sex to travel for it. From now on he drives here...
Judging by the amount of alcohol multiplied by the amount of her exes here, tonight will be ending in tears.
Do you have any idea how hard it is to hit on your nurse while getting an HIV test.
Who wants vodka and apple sauce
Just did it in a room with glowing stars to Peter Gabriel's down to earth on shrooms. This is like god
Im breaking out the trunk vodka tonight, its been aged to perfection.
I see you met someone special
Know what the best part of waking up for work after a drinking vacation is? It's an easy question. Nothing. Nothing is the best part of that.
I just got the two most enjoyable things in life in one... Weed delivered in bubble wrap.
Landen experienced Greenville for the first time last night. He was awaken by 2 cops and 4 EMS guys this morning in the bed of that truck that is for sale at the swashbuckler carwash, said he was trying to walk to waffle house... Greenville- 1, Landen- 0
I just walked through the door and she ran up to me, hugged me, unzipped my pants and immediately started sucking my dick. Good day.
Hey the moment you step into my house, find me IMMEDIATELY so we can pinky promise on not roping anyone at the party into yet another threesome
My GF, FWB and Side piece are all booty calling me. I’m a victim of my sexual success
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