My boobs aren't big enough for this kind of lifestyle
you started texting yourself and saying they were "divine messages from heaven" then you threw up on stacie's piano.
Thanks for stopping me from doing a one man keg stand by myself clad in only a towel. that probably wouldve ended badly.
She texted me shhh....im drunk, secret booty call...how could i say no?
I seriously think my heart may fail. And I didn't even grab a toilet beer :(
He equated my biology degree to a belief in Santa. I wonder if he heard the doors to my vagina clanging shut.
We're you guys there last night when everyone started chanting "Nacho Steph"? Someone picked me up, carried me to the nacho cheese and made me do a nacho cheese stand.
Day drinking! Today! (tomorrow too!) Our place! Whenever you get off work! Ready go!
Dad just asked me to breathalyze grandma
Her delivery came. She's ordered a pack of 144 condoms.
So I'm going to regale you with a tale of someone who went out, was fed way to many shots, got super wasted and now has a date with one of the security guards from the building but has no idea what his name is. That someone is me
He was the highest I've ever seen. Almost had him convinced there are only three colors in the rainbow...
Never let me go online shopping while drunk. I now own 2 baby cribs. I have no children
Wait, how many people just saw my dick?
Like when your most normal sex dream is you being a prostitute, you know it's been one long ass dry spell.
Randomize
