I just hope my dad was drunk enough to not remember the whole convo we had about anal.
I have to tell you about my conversation with the cloud dragon!
if you find a joe biden blowup doll in the attic, I call dibs
She looks like Sash Grey but sounds like Fran Drescher. Advise.
No no no no no. Not interrested. She looks just like Kim's fat booth picture. Only real.
I would not be 19 again if you paid me. Guess who found naked pictures of themselves? Fuck cocaine
So the bump is from hitting my head in an elevator. Apparently I dived into a cab head first too.....
I think I just got judged by the pizza guy. dude, you deliver fucking pizza. you need rethink YOUR life.
I have straight up perfected the art of amazing manicures with shaky-as-fuck adderall hands. Also, I'm way too proud of this.
You ever fart so hard while you are asleep that you wake up screaming?
You know your horny when you have a sex dream about Ace Ventura, if your wondering he's awful
You grabbed my arm, said "I need you" in a very concerned voice and dragged me to the other room where you were blasting Evolution of Beyoncé.
3 words: harry potter burlesque. My life is so much more awesome than yours right now.
I need a sign that says “please don’t make plans with me if I’ve had two or more drinks. I will regret them. I will have bitter feelings towards you. Then I will cancel and feel guilty.”
I could see the visible disappointment when she saw my penis
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