I wish my cat could text because i would tell him that everything will be ok. and i wish he could send them back..but him have no thumbs. him no know what he would text with.
shouldn't i get a discount if shes pregnant?
the level of his annoyance + every insult he makes = the closer I am to telling him im fucking his ex
If you're going to watch porn, can you atleast be considerate and watch it on my old laptop and not the new one?
You just projectile vomited on my dad across the table at waffle house.
Do you think he can smell the vodka?
I just remember thinking, if she falls asleep, I'm totally eating that spilled chex mix right off of her.
He told me that if his bed could talk, it'd write a medical journal. Guess it's too late to worry about that now.
exactly. I want him to have to live with the fact that he fucked me. I want him to look me in the eye and say "you were a drunken mistake".
So I was thinking for Halloween I'd do Dr. Jekyll and Mr. Hyde....for my vagina.
Any day that has a special name thats capitalized means you need to need to call in sick and get day drunk. That's why they are there.
I told the DJ last night to play Third Eye Blind before 1:45 and just pointed at him as I walked away. He didn't do it and at 1:45 I just walked out pointing at him, without my friends
I just spent 20 mins in the shower washing n rewashing my body to get rid of stripper. I even loofa'd my face.
I sent him a tit pic on accident and he replied with "nice ass"
The only time we had a decent conversation was when he was on acid, and, like, that's not a great start to a relationship.
The highlight of the night was definitely when you starting telling ppl you could shapeshift and "proved" that by stripping.
Randomize
