i need a penis for penetration, you wont do.
oh yeah... my b.
Most awkward sex ever...
And im texting you in the middle.
But then he started to talk about his wedding he wants and I quote " and yes parts will be choreographed"
After doing lines off my chest, she said, "do you even know how fast I could suck your cock right now?!!" and her friend said, "yea she totally could".
I gurantee you I'll be the only one dressed as a giraffe.
could you please not use my mortar and pestal for its intended purpose? i just snorted cracked black pepper.
During breaking dawn, he leaned over and asked me why she would have to worry about her period since she essentially just married a walking super-absorbant tampon... It was the best way to ruin those movies for me.
You told the cop at mobil to keep it real and look both ways before crossing the street.
The thing is that despite the high paying career and the increased responsibility, my life hasn't changed that much. Only instead of blacking out on $2 wells at some dive I blackout on top shelf martinis in a suit. Oh and only on Fri & Sat nights. Being 30 doesn't suck as bad as everyone led me to believe.
PLEASE DON'T BE HEARTLESS COME AND GET ME FROM THE BAR I'M HIGH AS SHIT AND I LOST MY SHOES
How on earth did you break your wrist?
I went into someone's yard so I could pee and I found a tireswing
So. Somehow managed to fuck my contacts out of my eyes. Didn't know that was even possible.
I think the highlight of my night is when I was eating a mayonnaise sandwich. drunk me was on point.
I just lectured my ex boyfriend on how to eat a girl out what has my life come to
At 3:00am my whole house started smelling like cooking meat. I have no idea why she thought it was a good idea to crock-pot a WHOLE turkey that early in the morning.
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