Marriage: a sacred union between one man and one woman, and another woman in Argentina.
I just had a 2 1/2 hr conversation about the pros and cons of taping your ballsack to your taint, which then led into the unveilling of lady gaga being a hermaphrodite.
I woke up at 4am on the couch with half my clothes on. And by half my clothes I mean my earrings.
just went back to the bar and asked if they found a shoe last night.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
I think my multiple attempts of taking his life, no matter how unintentional they were, has put a damper on our friendship
Just made nicotine water. Ithink i'm having a heart attack.
remember when I told you about my grandma asking me about my sex scars? Less comfortable than that
he fucked me so hard i could feel my pelvis shifting. like i legit feel more prepared for childirth now
God he's so convenient, drugs, an parties all in one person. He's like the Walmart of delinquency.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Welcome to stoned Saturday. Full of laser tag and beyonce and awesome
Like we were literally doing coke off his insulin pump
He took my virginity but also my remaining pizza. i dont know how to feel right now.
I'm going to write a horror movie. It's going to be called "Fat People on a Squeaky Bed" and it's going to feature me laying in bed last night listening to my overweight roommate and her fat boyfriend tossing and turning all night
I'm gonna write a book. Almost Awesome: all the times I ALMOST got laid.
I’m going to fail his daughter so she stays in my class and I can keep fucking him. BEST. ORGASMS. EVER.
Then you can teach the kid to be a home wrecker
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