I woke up at 11 this morning in my car parked in front of the bar.
I know, I tried to wake you up, but I couldnt. So I walked home
the highlight of my day was when my dad called me when I was watching porn and I muted it instead of pausing it.
why cant girls ever use the fly? why do they always have to awkwardly try to pull it over your belt?
This guy legit just tried to LSAT formal logic his way into my pants. Contrapositives and everything.
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Bartending School is so much more enjoyable now that I realized I was in rehab at this time last year.
I don't know which is a more impressive stolen object. The couch from a sheer logistical viewpoint, or the parking meter because i'm pretty sure that's a federal offence.
Is that you who's passed out on my treadmill?
He's trying to impress me with how much money he makes. How does he know me so well?
I will cut you
Oddly enough thats the second time today someones said that to me
Put that in perspective
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I threw up in a mitten on my drive home. Wow.
Fun holiday story for you: Alex and I went out drinking. She left. I needed a ride home. Met this dude and told him to drive my car back. Once at my house, I made him take out my dog and then apologized for not wanting to make out with him. I said, let me go see if my roommate is interested and then I slept in Alex's bed all night.
20 bucks says he was an actual leprechaun
He came back with a Butterfinger and vibrator batteries. There's no refusing him now.
Do you remember the guy that smelled like hot dogs?
Never make a coconut bikini from a real coconut.
I smell like old thai food.
let me assure you that a rugburn on your forehead is the worst side effect of tequila i have experienced to date.
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