i'm high and 74% sure there's a monster in my closet
I'm still in shock that he came by my house for five minutes dropped off a Teddy bear and went to the strip club on valentines day
He started crying and showing me pictures of his ex. she was really pretty. It's an honor to have shared a penis with her.
I look like slutty woodland creatures dress me in the morning. Everybody's got problems.
Gonna open a taco bell in colorado. Millions bro.
Nothing screams fatass like a pizza that doesn't fit in your car
He said bring my breathalyzer and Anna's pepper spray, I didn't ask questions
They gave me patron and potatoes I couldn't say no
There are days when you go to throw something in your bedroom trash can and realize the only things in there are a used condom, a Lime-arita can and a muffin wrapper.
Someone the age of your son tried to go home with me from the bar last night
WHAT A DUMBASS ugh I'm so glad he looks like a middle aged dad now
like when you break up with someone your virginity slowly starts to grow back & when it's done it's like ding ding ding you're ready to date again
I am drunk at 8am listening to Cyndi Lauper and dressed up in a penguin suit
Tequilla is a sneaky bitch ninja that doesn't kick in until you least expect it. Then BAM! You're peeing in unconventional places.
Guess who cheated on their SATs? Also on the same line guess who's getting in to Princeton at damn near free of charge?
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