You can't special order awesome
9 beers later and she still looks like Gary Busey.
She just got back from rehab. You dont celebrate that with margaritas.
Grandma was not a fan of the beer-can ornaments. Not "traditional".
We were hooking up and you crawled into bed with us, because you had lost your phone and didn't "want to be alone at a time like this."
I just fucked my ex's ex's ex. Love quadrilateral complete
He ate me out on the kitchen floor while we waited for the cake to bake. How was your Valentines Day?
I show up hung over with mcdonalds. Why wouldn't he have sex with me? It's a fucking leap year...
We'll talk about this tommorrow when I'm not mistaking my fingers for French fries....
I realize it truly is impossible to burrow under the grass like a mole. Let's not drink for at least another 3 days.
Poorly worded request for dick pic resulted in stoned beanie selfies and "lol". Miscommunication is the devil's cock block.
You're wrong. It's my BIRTHDAY. We all know it's impossible to get pregnant on my diva day!
I SWEAR TO ALL THAT IS HOLY I HAVE NEVER WIPED MY GENITALIA ON ANY TYPE OF EMERGENCY RESPONSE VEHICLE!!
Also, McDonald's breakfast is now 24/7. This is it. This is how I die. Face first in a pile of hashbrowns.
Then his buddy called and said "my car broke down, I need a ride. If I'm not home by midnight they'll extend my house arrest." And I knew it was time to leave.
Randomize
