I cheated on you last night. I slept with my laptop.
addddeeerrraaaallll.
ok i'm not sure if that was a success statement or a cry for help.
Still waiting. He said he'd call between 2 and 10... apparently he's like the Comcast of drug dealers.
The only piece of furniture in the apartment is a wine rack.
Is all white too much for court to prove my innocents?
I thought stuff was gonna go really bad after he filled the super-soaker with kerosene. but it all turned out pretty well.
I'm gonna be a few minutes late, some asshole just fell off the ferry so we had to stop.
Oh I forgot to tell you that while you were in the bathroom last night I made friends with a gay man named Rodger from Venezuela and he kissed me cheek and told me I "knew how to shake my thing". From now on we go to the bathroom as a team.
I had a dream about masturbating with toys I can't afford.
My sex life and finances are equally in shambles.
A guy just grabbed my balls before he shook my hand because he thought he knew me.
Do you know how hard it is to give a bj in your dead grandmothers car
Hahaha more like walk of pride. You entered the lions den last night.
When you're done railing that chick, there is still half a pizza and some ninja turtle mac and cheese down here if you want
Dude I think the cat just licked the coke plate
I accidently sent a dick pic to the group chat with her family. Right after they all said it was a pleasure having me for dinner. Wana drink with me?
Randomize
