I wish I had more reasons to start sentences with the phrase, "Here's the thing you've got to remember about cougars ...
A squiggle pen was my first vibrator back when I was young. I would lock myself in my bedroom with that thing. Oh to be 8 again.
Found a bar with a washer and dryer and they serve food. I never have to leave
The last thing I remember before blacking out was telling Jamie that she was too fat even for my standards. The first thing I remember after blacking out was waking up next to her.
WHYAREWHITEGUYSSOBADINBED?! What the fuck went wrong, evolution?
I had to wash my hair with conditioner because my sister got hammered and gave the dog a 3am sprinkler bath with my shampoo.
I agreed not to hook up with any randoms while she's on vacation, if that isn't a show of good faith then I don't know what is...
I just singed the hair in my nose trying to re-light a joint. now all i can smell is burnt hair. day ruiner
How do you say happy birthday to someone you fuck occasionally that almost got you arrested? Like what do I text.
I farted in his bed and then in my drunken stupor grabbed hair defanging spray to cover up the stench.
Remember that cop that blew me in the parking lot a few weeks ago? He's possibly with his wife and kids shopping at Target.
Apparently swingers are magnetically drawn to me?
Thanks for DJing my sex last night. You were on point 💜
He lives in a tent in my ex'd backyard. Why the fuck would you want any of that dirty dick?
Are you texting me while pooping again?
I'm also playing fetch with the dog
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