In retrospect, pretending to punch a 9 year old girl in the face was a terrible analogy to use in a piano lesson.
He gave his mom his old phone, and I am SO paranoid
Did you send adult things?
Um. Yes would be the understatement of the year
I think I just sat on my labia. Can I borrow some scotch tape?
so i'm just gonna leave my credit card in your mailbox so you can bail me outta jail.. deal?
Cool, so I just walked in on my grandfather checking his prostate in the kitchen.
I'm currently witnessing my drunk neighbor attempting to fold laundry on his front lawn. I think he's trying to spell out HELP.
i didn't realize we were even dating until i ran out of weed
Her fucking playlist had randy newman on it. It was like woody was watching the whole time.
You went streaking and came back with your shirt inside out. Then said "it happens in the line of duty" and passed out.
Well, thats the first guy to go to jail because of my vagina
Post that event on your timeline
Pants off. Spirits lifted.
So I was just like hi, I'm your roommate's gf. Please don't hate me. That would be rly inconvenient for you.
All of my friends are hooking up and here I am, the lone asexual, looking for someone to eat these tostitos with me.
you would have been so proud of how classy i just looked at the pharmacy with my $10 off plan b coupon. so resourceful.
I just split a tacobell party box with my boss. 12 tacos. We were equals for a moment.
Randomize
