I just woke up my dad to tell him that i made out with the drummer. He wasnt as excited as I was.
Your mom is more observant then Randy Newman.
well yea, now i know i won't get hair in my teeth...
Just did a keg stand the dropped my phone in the toilet. Sorry for partying.
You did a keg stand on the toilet?!
YOU CAN'T BASE A RELATIONSHIP OFF A PENIS
I LIKE HIS TONGUE TOO.
Holy walk of shame. Fuck someone's house. I walked past a family eating their free continental breakfast wearing yesterday's makeup
Tom is laying in a bathtub filled with ice pretending to be a polar bear.
I'm just going to lay in a blanket cocoon of self pity for the next few months.
That was when I yelled "Wisconsin powers activate!" and took off sprinting across the ice
I wish so many great beards were not attached to even greater jerks. All that face sitting potential wasted. Some of the greatest tragedies of this century.
Oh and people at work think i got knocked up so my gay roomie is claiming it as his lol
By the time we got to McDonald's you were sharing a Big Mac with a stripper.
Quick question. If you break the bathroom sink off the wall from fucking on it, can you claim it on your homeowner's insurance as a 'natural disaster'?
Dude I left his house at 5:30 a.m. after you peed on his front door and then tried to fight me for my blanket. Don't even do that at my house or I will end you.
hahahahaha. Worst. Text. Ever.
I'll be coming off of 7 days of not drinking. No horse tranqs either. I haven't been this sober since I was in the womb
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