I can't believe the cop was so cool about the whole thing, I mean, I had man mayo all over my jeans.
Whenever someone from high school gets pregnant or has a pregnancy scare my self esteem grows a good 5 points
I asked you if you were ok and you said "dude I'm fine, I'm in the recovery position"
the beer staff turned into a beer spear way to quickly
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
We were laying in the basement dry humping to the rhythm of the washing machine
I think the multiple Sunday morning sirens outside my window are a plot by the cops to get back at me for the shit we pulled last night. Or I should move to a better area.
We boned on a bench in a park, french people were walking by cheering us on. Totally acceptable
The highlight of my night was when you proclaimed that the man standing next to you smelt like grape medicine...
He yelled "HOO-ah!" like Al Pacino when he pulled down his pants. Trust me, he has every right to.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I saved him in my phone as "Well-Hung Burrito Savior." I love Taco Tuesday.
I may quit my job to go be a costumed Jedi at Disneyland.
how does spending your day off taking me to the hospital sound?
Hey, scratch that. I've shit 8 times today. I don't have the energy to get laid so I cancelled my date.
It was a mess. I sat on the kitchen floor with maple whiskey and cried into a bowl of poutine. I've never even been to canada
Did he pick you up in a mini van?
Yes. Turns out my sugar daddy is about to be an actual daddy
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