O.A.R does not stand for Old Recycled Abortions.
i just found a bag of weed behind my capital one card. i guess that's what's in my wallet.
I'm at a party watching some dude try to eat a whole package of Oreos in 5 minutes.
Nothing like throwing up 1/2 price appatizers and 2 4 1 personal pitcher in uniform to remind myself what a succesful failure I am
Note to self: never do anything I don't want to explain to a paramedic
These shoes are like walking on sunshine and labias. So soft and squishy
Can we dedicate this weekends marathon sexcapades to all the haters?
HE THREATENED ME WITH A CACTUS. WHERE DID HE EVEN GET A CACTUS.
I'm on my fifth cocktail in twenty minutes. I don't think I will end this on two legs.
Today's hangover is a "wear sunglasses while pooping in the dark" kind of day
My costume for the end of the world party was a success. Everyone in the ER thought I was there because I got hit by a car when it was actually from alcohol poisoning.
6 tequila shots, 3 kamikazes and 1 rumplemintz.. The next day I puked in my office trash can while doing payroll. I may have to dock my own pay for lack of class.
ARE YOU THINKING VAGINA THEMED RESTAURANT
Like please, take your microdick and try to stick it someplace else. It is not welcome in my world.
I see myself subsisting on tequila for the next several days.
Randomize
