Moved my bed either I'm a whore or every guy I have ever slept with hid condom wrappers under my bed
People kept wishing me happy birthday last night. apparently i was 21st birthday drunk
Margaritas are 250 calories. Now measuring all food in margaritas
Normal vaginal pH: 3.8 to 4.5. Of course it tastes like a 9-volt. I could run a potato clock on that thing.
When the cops pulled up I just stood flat against the fence with my hands up while yelling out,"I'm a tree!!"...
YOU LET ME GO HOME WITH CREEPY RON JEREMY?!?
...and?
I hate when you're right.
We HAVE another bedroom, it's not like I was gunna chain you into the closet. Often.
Last night you found an onion ring in your fries and then you started singing "A Moment like this"
I just got nudes while talking in the third person. Not sure if I Should be proud or ashamed.
He just unloaded a dump truck full of red flags on my head.
Not only did she fulfill a life long dream of mine of banging in a library, she bought me subway for lunch. I feel like I got the best gold star ever today.
Why is there a slipper full of piss in my bedroom?
Masturbated furiously for a half hour; ate a fistful of chocolate, then took a nap. Woke up and finished wrapping presents. I've got this holiday thing down.
Said he wanted to wear me as a loincloth. Not sure if sexual or predatory
She called a 10 year old handsome and we gave her a look that was equal parts confused and “what the hell is wrong with you”
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