i sneezed during and he said it felt like i gave birth to his dick...then asked me to do it again.
I love wearing low cut shirts cuz then when class gets boring, I can look down and admire my breasts.
you were sitting on my toliet with a double cheesburger in your hand asking me how the cheeseburger even got there.
We planned for the zombie apocalypse. In great detail. Of course there was booze involved.
I'm wayyy too drunk to be in a parade right now
Did you ask last night's taxi driver about his penis hygiene?
We're all in the kiddie pool on the porch. Fully clothed. Watching porn. With my manager.
doing a walk of shame covered in blue food coloring is only embarrassing if you make it embarrassing...actually no its embarrassing on all accounts
I can feel my liver begging me to stop.
No I need this job. I actually contemplated buying a vibrator with my dad's credit card the other night.
I was told i took a shot doing a headstand in the backseat then proceeded to barf all over my face
I had no idea you were so talented.
Drunk within and hour of coming home from work, merry christmas bitch
We were literally making dick jokes with his dick out
That’s the level of friends with benefits I aspire to achieve
I'm just bringing him "breakfast," and breakfast may lead to lunch and dinner, but that doesn't mean I want the mealplan.
Cops swarmed my car last night in the walmart parking lot cause of the paper plate
Randomize
