i'm pretty sure the devil's penis is california-shaped
Whats the count minus fat chicks?
She clogged the toilet and got it out with a seven eleven bag. I tried to tell her no but she was convinced that was the logical thing to do.
Apparently I also called my credit card company to demand a credit limit increase. I'm so content with not drinking another 60 days
Did I happen to mention where i left my keys when I drunk dialed you last night
do you have any idea how hard it is to keep a boner while another dude is writing on your dick in sharpie?
When they say "all expenses paid" does that include bail?
I may have just unintentionally roofied a man in a wheelchair
Was there a Canadian at your party or did I dream that?
door buzzer is fixed. took shots with Latvian electrician to celebrate. nice guy. he is gonna bring mixers next time cuz kombucha didn't really cut it for him.
If we accept the love we think we deserve do we also accept the sex we think we deserve?
Hey... Tell me if you remember differently, but nobody truly saw me naked, right?
Sockward: that moment during sexytimes when you realize your socks are still on and you have no idea how to remove them in a non-awkward fashion.
He came to my Harry Potter marathon wearing a Hogwarts uniform. Of course I fucked him.
I will forever remember this as The Great Jalepeno Cock Burn of 2014.
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