does dane cook know its not 2004 and that hes no longer relevant?
Even the bartender felt bad for me
Strippers tramp stamp says "mom"
So I just went to student health services and on my way in there was a girl outside on her phone saying "I just dont want you to be angry" and on my way out she was saying "I have the side effects sheet right here" Someone started the semester off classy
It' a whole new level of walk of shame. I'm carrying his sheets since I have a washer/dryer.
She climbed through the window and into my bed. Not even sure who she is. Was thinking she might be a friend of yours?
Divorce is final. Doing tequila shots at 1 in the afternoon.
sorry for the naked aussie man in your room last night, he got lost on his way to the bathroom
We mailed him an 18 inch double headed dildo for his birthday. The Fedex guys certainly got a laugh out of it.
I should start prefacing bondage with girls saying "I know you've read 50 Shades, but there is a 33% you're gonna freakout and go home, while I jerk it alone"
She said you told her you were ready to be a dad. We just got back from our purchase of the morning after pill. That took me 2 hours of convincing. No more fucking my sister.
1. Thanks. 2. No.
Nothing says "Jesus has forgiven your sins" like finding out you're not pregnant on Easter.
you can see where the duct tape was on my nipple
She played the piano. I played the piano. She got on top of the piano. I got on top of her.
Didn't know my clit could produce that many orgasms in one night. Fuck my husband; think I might have to become a lesbian.
Randomize
