i just walked outside for a cigarette and three men walked by in glitter heels and gold shiny thongs. god i love chicago
There is now a Twilight themed dildo. What do YOU want for christmas??
I think I have swimmer's ear. From his tongue.
so the last visual we have of him for the next 87 weeks is him outside on the ground rolling around yelling I HATE BLOWJOBS
Well I tried to steal a golf cart. I fought with the Chick-Fil-A cow. And other things.
Just puked up hair, tacos and vodka. Hello Memorial Day weekend.
Sorry about the voicemail last night, people in hostel thought getting the clap from cheating on me wasn't enough and you hearing a 6 foot 5 Swedish dude bang the shit out of me was needed.
i just found out the cashier has a picture of my junk in her phone.
Really, thanks for buying me caribou, it helped me out. Today will forever be the day I threw up in a caribou cup in the skyway outside of chipotle.
IM AT A ROOFTOP FUNDRAISER LOOKING OVER THE WHITE HOUSE I WILL NOT RUIN MYSELF
I was trying to drink every time they said planned parenthood but my body isn't cut out for this.
Such a big mess for such a small penis
I just remembered that I insisted everyone watch porn together last night.
It was great. We stayed up all night talking about objects he'd put in his theoretical vagina.
Fine I’ll come with you but you better tell that guy to wear some longer shorts because the second I see a rogue nut I’m gone
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