Remember that dream I told you about where I shit out my own skeleton? I had it again last night.
i'm too stoned to be pregnant. the kicking is morse code for wanting beef jerky.
Its Friday night, and I'm sitting at home watching are you smarter then a 5th grader, drinking vodka. I got every single question wrong. Clearly you see where I'm headed in life.
Just went through ex bf's and hook up buddys and liked pictures of them on facebook. A friendly reminder that I will be back in for the holidays
Think they will judge us if our pre drink is a kiddie pool of jello shots?
Pretty sure God shed a tear when I put 15 singles in the collection plate.
You force fed me chocolate chips and avocados for 3 hours and kept asking me about my trip to sweden when I was 4.
I threw up in the bar parking lot and yelled THIS IS MY FUTURE.
I feel like I ran a fucking marathon on my knees last night and there are bruises to prove it.
Just talked to Kate. She said I called her on Friday night. She said I was crying for 5 minutes because we were parked in front of a fire hydrant.
That's the point dumbass, I can't use my boss as a reference cause they'd have to fucking call him in prison.
His mom already thought we were lesbians BODY SHOTS WERE JUST NOT AN OPTION SORRY
Are u guys proud? I puked my brains out last night at a strip club. While my two fave strippèrs held my hair
At least you didn't wake up next to your professor who then proceeded to cancel class via phone while still inside of me.
You ever fart so bad at work that you think about taking a sick day just to spare your coworkers from the savage olfactory beating they are about to receive?
Randomize
