saturday- my day is open, my legs are not. you in?
well apparently not.
Left for charity run at 5AM. Saw a pigeon eating last night's vomit and a pair of shame-walkers in high heels. Nature at it's finest.
What if we had a smart house and we could just say "baked" and it would rain donuts?
I promise a much better performance tomorrow than last night my penis has a bed time
I feel like I shouldn't have to explain to you why giving your cat weed was a bad idea.
Dude, the coffee is horrible this morning, Cass changed something about it
We ran out of Bailey's Irish cream...
This is what regular coffee tastes like?!?! Fuck the adult life.
You tired to make us "vodka tacos". Which was just you dipping pitas in vodka.
Any good?
Well. FUCK YA. But that's beside the point
So we just accidentally broke into a building from the third floor while carrying shovels. The security guards are still very confused
I just watched in amazement as you had a full conversation about water temperature and bacteria with your pet goldfish.
Like I'm sorry but "it'll be fine trust me" IS NOT VERY REASSURING ASSHAT. Now take off your pants.
there's cocaine on the ipad again........... was your sister here last night?
Is "head down ass up" an appropriate way to say good morning?
Props to you. You took the bet seriously. Making out with her for an hour right after she spewed
I think he thought I was too drunk to handle his parrot
My husband just came over to kiss me and said, "careful, I got a block of cream cheese in my pocket"
Randomize
