The only thing he got me during our relationship was a cum stain in my backseat. I choose winners.
dude she has hot friends.. do you want blonde brunette or red head.. maybe asian?
what is this build-a-bear? .. just gimme one thats breathing
I think Memorial Day also marks the beginning of "Bikini Profile Picture" season.
did i get hit in the head with a hammer? someone just asked me...
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I WILL STOP HOOKING UP WITH GUYS EX'S FOR REVENGE. I WILL STOP HOOKING UP WITH GUYS EX'S FOR REVENGE. I WILL STOP HOOKING UP WITH GUYS EX'S FOR REVENGE.
Look on the bright side. Now you know the number for poison control.
Sorry I never got back to you, I ended up at a party with pot ice cream, pot apple cider, and hash vegetable oil.
Just woke up next to a girl with 30 hot dogs in my bed. Vodka you win again.
i ended up making out with my new neighbor in a stranger's car that we found unlocked on a driveway somewhere. apparently drunk self never say "no" to adventure.
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Sleeping in a car was not on my list of plans for the night.
i’m just listening to christina aguilera’s “your body” on repeat and trying not to pass out at my desk.
You have not lived until you've had your brains fucked out on a broken down Tunnel of Love ride. Life is good.
Take home message: SPERM IS EVIL AND SHOULD NEVER EVER EVER BE ALLOWED UP ONE'S NOSE.
He told me he was gonna go wash a trailer and somehow I ended up eating vodka fruit with children in a green bean field.
When I went to pick up Adam from the train station, I found him passed out, covered in gold paint and wrapped in a red blanket. someone had glued a gaudy green rhinestone to his forehead. He looked homeless.
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