I feel violated. a guy just did an ultrasound on my balls. He made eye contact..
I only have two playlists on my iPod. One for when im getting drunk, one for when I'm getting high. Is this something to be worried about?
Omg considering I am covered in cake and probably cocaine that is the greatest news I have ever heard
I love that my brother has just convinced my dad that smoking a blunt it an "unspoken family tradition"
Apple trackpads and semen don't mix. On the way to the Apple Store.
I left myself a trail of jello shots, that ended at his door. OR maybe he left me a trail of jello shots at his door. DO I GO IN!?
I just had to explain to my 62 year old advisor what "tea-bagging" was in the middle of her lecture. I smell extra credit. And maybe a demonstration.
She pulled out a handful of chest hair. And then gave the room a Brave Heartesque speech.
Dude, you like sabotaged my shower time by walking in and eating a snack pack on the toilet. That's messed up on levels that haven't even been created.
My cell phone fell out of my shirt pocket while tying my shoe on an escalator....which was followed by me being accused of trying to sneak an upskirt photo and being violently shoved down the top of the escalator. How's YOUR day?
I'm cutting her off I can't have my good name soiled with these kinds of shenanigans
Shit is preposterous
The hardest part about being a child of divorce is when you're at your dad's house but your condoms are at your mom's house.
When your grandma invites you to a sweet girls' Valentine's dinner with your mom and sister, but you have to decline because you're trying to get two dudes to rail you at once...
Remember when I convinced you to watch me eat my sandwich just so you could reuse my plate and save us money on our water bill? I'm so ecofriendly when I'm high
She sent me a thank you card for not fucking her boyfriend...
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