i just woke up to that girl in my doorway. I kid you not. Tan and lime green thong on. peeing on the carpet in the hallway. Then she collapsed. There is a load of towels in the wash. Just thought you should know when you wake up. Gross.
he kept farting in my kitchen and blaming it on the dog. then we went to wendy's and he spent twenty minutes in the bathroom. im pretty sure he shit his pants.
you should have known when you found out he drove a mini cooper not to hang out with him.
lady crackhead wearing pjs and a santa hat brushed the snow off my car at 7am saying "free of charge" the whole time
Just met someone from Jersey. No fist pumps or jagerbombs. Kind of disappointed...
i feel like i am carryihg a baby. a baby made of alcohol.
Dont tell her I prefer to have an aura of mystique surronding me and my penis.
yeah its nbd she just bit me in the face. be there soon
So would it be tacky to offer my services as a future attorney as an engagement gift for her?
Dude I wanna go on a booze cruise
Dude our life is a booze cruise
But without boats...
Do you have any need for a scary clown mask?
He came to my Harry Potter marathon wearing a Hogwarts uniform. Of course I fucked him.
Am I getting cock blocked by karaoke? That's a first.
I found three naked dudes in your bed this morning. Did we have a really weird break in or do you need to tell me something?
Current status: so high that I'm unable to have coherent conversation with my mom, but still knew that when my dad said "shpritzy white stuff" I understood that he was trying to think of "whipped cream."
That text took me 10 minutes.
I'm surprised this is your first encounter with pepper spray. surprised, and somewhat proud.
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