My kitchen smells like failed pina coladas.
I don't know what's more sad: The fact that he fingered the side of my leg, or the fact that the side of my leg feels like a vagina.
id like to know how you successfully locked me in your backseat last night
Handle of 100 proof captain dressed like a pilgrim here we go
Im in Ft Meyers right now looking right at an alligator. I have had a couple of beers and people are telling me not to feed him but Im gonna do it anyway.
His personality is sparkling but nothing beats his ass
It feels like there's puke trying to explode out of me from behind my eyeballs.
Im pretty sure that girl just said "Im taking you home even if your girlfriend has to come too." Why are we here again?
Watching elf, eating a tub of ice cream, and coming to terms with the fact that I haven't had sex in 5 months. Happy fucking holidays.
my head feels like a yellow yolk spinning in a circle at the bottom of the bowl.. i may have a concussion, love auto correct
All is fair in love and war and toga parties
I distinctly remember telling him "I'll suck your dick while you eat pizza"
I bought Plan B for the first time and an interview outfit today. You could say my life is improving.
I can't tell if my heart is fluttering because I love him... or if it's palpitating from all the coke.
I'm kind of pissed I'm not hungover, that means I could have totally drank more last night.
Randomize
