I'll write directions out on a napkin and slip it to him. Then say P.S. The UTI is gone.... that's not creepy at all right?
I wish you could buy pregnancy test at the liquor store, it's the only place I feel comfortable being a disgrace because I know they understand why it happened...
i just realized why god gave us younger siblings....to DD for us when we come home for the summers
You kept saying thank you to the automatic toilet as it flushed your puke.
I have just two goals for this NYE. 1) get so drunk that every guy looks like Clive Owen 2) make out with as many Clive's as possible.
Hot Italian guy literally came into my logic class just to get my number to study with me and left. America.
I just want a teacup pet pig so I can take him to parties with me and never have to walk home alone again.
Just listened to a full Christian rock song, loved it,listened to the dj send a prayer to a 4th grader who was having a tough year and realized I'm high as fuk
I just did a booty-call caliber shave job in preparation for this weekend. Fuck being ladylike; I'm tryna get LAID-ylike
I woke up in a chipotle parking lot with an industrial sized box of condoms and a bag of dounut holes. I need Jesus
When he's drowning in your chest and he muffles out the words 'I just want to live here' that's a compliment right?
He's a Republican and an Ohio State fan idk how far this can go.
it was like where's waldo, only the stakes were much higher.
what a classic moment of my life. A buffet of taco bell and a taser gun.
i'll...probably just offer you drugs?
i'll...probably take them in all honesty
Randomize
