The ticket read "Found nude in a tree"
Come put a leash on your gf. She just challenged 8 cops to a wrestling match for 'tag team champion of the world'
Most the numbers in my phone are mistakes. It's a virtual graveyard of people I should never pick up for.
Just took last nights make up off with a sock. That hungover.
He took getting"shit in your neighbors hot tub drunk" way to literally
Captain Morgan didnt let me down when i stand up it feels like the world is trying to hand me rainbows.
I was going through my mom's stuff to find her xanax, and I found her vibrators instead. Plural. That is like the opposite of what I wanted.
Let's put a bunch of beers in a backpack and shotgun them in a Red Lobster bathroom
THERE IS WEED IN MY OVEN. HOW AM I EVER SUPPOSED TO MAKE CHICKEN PARMESAN WITH WEED IN MY OVEN.
Please tell me I made it home with both shoes on
Nope
After you punched me you ran away and it took an hour to find you... On the wrong floor... Sitting alone saying "it doesnt make sense"
Awww I'm so proud! Starting friendships before you hook up!
WHO CARES HE GIVES YOU TOE CURLING ORGASMS AND SAYS YOU HAVE KISSABLE SKIN AND RUNWAY MODEL HAIR....WHILE INTOXICATED WITH HIS BEST FRIEND. AND THEN HE SENDS YOU CUTE SELFIES OF THEM!!!!!!! WTF MORE DO YOU WANT FROM LIFE!!! DIE HAPPY ALREADY LADY!!!
Why were there just 3 inflatable bounce houses delivered to my house?
oh shit.
I just racked up a fucking ginormous hospital bill because I came so hard I had an asthma attack
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