I just saw my grandmother naked. again. this needs to stop now.
You are colorful like whore, yet adorable, like sad puppy. You need more drink.
Thanks for having 911 ready when I jumped off the balcony
Now he's galloping around the bar. I don't know whether to laugh or cry.
One minute we were getting noise complainted by the security guards the next I was shotgunning a beer with them
i'm only riding in the trunk because they put the case of beer back here..
I was trying to be a bartender for my boyfriend and his friends last night, but I was too drunk so I just kept bringing them ice cubes in my hand.
Ughhhh. Finnnneeeeee. I'll have sex with your brother. Sheesh. The things I do for you woman.
The trashcan full of everclear punch caught on fire...you should probably come home now.
There are no female cereal mascots. I just realized that in my drunken state... So sexist...
We had a threesome and he gave us bottle rockets and a lamp for our apartment
I'm going to try and loofah my hangover away.
Update: It didn't work
I think the best part was the fact that the stripper's lock screen was a picture of the virgin mary
I've had more lap dances than hrs of sleep since Thursday, this is why you're planning all three of my bachelor parties
Seriously considering taking a nap at lunchtime in my car. That. Hung. Over.
Randomize
