Wtf am i supposed to tell my kids when they ask about my first time? "Mommy got drunk off her ass and fucked a total stranger in another stranger's bedroom, then got abandoned by the selfish prick and walk of shamed to the nearest gas station to call a cab, but ended up passed out in a park in a pool of her own puke."
At least mommy was smart enough to use protection and hack into the asshole's facebook account.
Well of course. Mommy may be a slutty drunk but she ain't no idiot.
That is correct. I did in fact somehow pass out in the tanning booth for over an hour. And yes the attendant did have to open it up and shake me awake.
Other than a hickey from some random Canadian roller derby girl, I came out unscathed
They're letting me teach a freshman-laden class now. This university needs better background checks.
not saying it was a bad idea to throw an impromptu party but someone stole the microwave
My mom slipped a condom in my pocket along with a sticky note that said "be safe sweetie."
Let me put it this way - if I had a list of things I would like between my legs, she would rank below the cello I turned into firewood sophomore year.
We should probably go now, otherwise the whores will descend.
My new dealer was watching Space Jam and eating ham off a frisbee when I went over. He's my new favorite person
I vaguely remember hanging my bra off the ceiling fan and chugging a beer during sex
College has turned you into quite the multi tasker huh?
The number of mornings I actually have to say out loud to myself "you must put pants on and go to work" to get motivated is...troubling.
I tipped him really well because I feel he knew we were high, but did it in a non judgemental way.
A boy just offered to come over and help me clean my house. I hope you are more successful than he will be tonight.
I'm playing trivia and drinking margaritas so now is not a good time.
I'm going to smell of sex and shame.
How is that different than any other Monday night?
Randomize
