i just took a sip of diet coke and i said " as soon as it hits my lips i wanna smoke a cig." then i thought of your dick.
My mom is getting really tired of hearing the excuse 'it's 5 oclock somewhere'
i kind of just want to tell my cleaning lady I'm an alcoholic so it's not awkward when I stumble out of my room to go sit in my car for 2 hours and wait for her to finish cleaning the several empty bottles of wine in my room
Eventually evolution will just give us a better liver anyway, so our great great grandkids should THANK us for our binge drinking.
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Found out why I didn't have to go drug test. My boss grew pot to pay for grad school.
If you haven't seen a huge black man in tiny red snowflake shorts that barely cover his dick, then you don't know what I'm going through.
Then mom squeezed my boob and said, "Dad would go nuts if I had these..."
I told him he wasn't aloud to one word text me. Unless that one word was threesome
that's how you measure success
By how bad my vagina hurts on a Tuesday morning while I'm trying to figure out how I got white girl wasted on a Monday?
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
All I know is that every time I looked at my glass it was full again and I thought it would be rude not to drink it
My heart feels like a grape in a barrel about to be crushed into wine
Step 1: chug a red bull vodka with no ice Step 2: chase that with a shot of wild turkey Step 3: chase that with a shot of tequila
Step 4: your drunk
Lesson learned. No more vodka and toaster strudel
There's hope in those eyes, for a better tomorrow or more cocaine, we may never know, but there's hope.
The economy cant be that bad, I willingly got fired to bang her again.
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