There is a girl getting fingered on my left, a middle aged drink man smoking a bong and two girls flashing the cameras in front of me. I'm in the middle trying to maintain my innocence.
i just met rob pattinson in italy. he's so stupid, i feel like i would have to say "your penis goes here!"
you started crying because you didn't get to wear your rainboots this week so i turned on the shower and let you jump around in it
youre the best friend ever
My goal for this summer is to make enough extra money to be able to afford the ticket for water skiing naked.
He took a banana and in front of everyone showed her how he wanted it done.
And for the fourth year in a row Christmas has ended in tears, yelling and me drinking. This is officially our longest running Christmas tradition.
You just kept insisting that you and the homeless man went way back, and that you bonded over how cold you both were.
We are not buying weed off a guy from the internet.
"thanks for the sex" was written in lipstick on my bathroom mirror. i'm officially done with random hook ups.
He got punched in the face, dropped his laptop down a flight of stairs, and broke his roommate's lava lamp, getting all the toxic lava goo everywhere. This is why we don't let him get drunk. And yet here we are.
This juggling 3 dicks is getting exhausting
So like if I threw up in my purse is that "don't ever show your face in public again" worthy or just slightly frowned upon
He's a cop. Do you know how many times I've said fuck the police? This is my chance. I'm taking it.
Now all I have unanswered questions and a fucked up finger
You are a genius and a whore.
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