I was about to buy asher roth's album and then i realized he was a ginger. can't support
Thanks for jumping on that grenade for me last night. You're the best wingman ever
She ate 7 of the 8 slices of pizza. I deserve a purple heart and sex w your sister
Through a series of unfortunate circumstances, I think I just sprayed lime juice on my vagina.
im starting to measure my showers by the number of beers i drink while im in there.
and this is why i am such an inspirational person, i am the Joel Osteen of alcoholics.
I was fingering her, she was moaning, and we were singing Mulan
A baby just go on our party bus. What. The. Fuck.
The guy I wanted to make out with just got beat up, let's roll.
It is scary how often "just flash him" is your advice.
I passed out drunk and Jane had created a picnic on my chest. I had chips and a hamburger laid out on my boobs. The only reason I woke up is she was trying to feed me too.
he sent me the greatest dick pic I've ever received.
he actually took the time to cut a fingertip off of a glove then put it on his dick like a beanie. he called it hipster dick.
Now, one of you come feed me, the other read me my physics book...I'm too hungover for this shit...
I just had to explain to an 70+ year old lady what 'coitus' was. This was not in my job description.
For dinner, I'm having saltines, canned whipped cream, and beer. Are we sure I'm responsible enough for home ownership?
I need a fuck buddy with more available hours