Do you ever close your eyes when your having sex with your girlfriend and pretend she didn't get fat after high school?
there's a taquito in the driveway. If it's not yours I'm going to eat it.
I wish we had a justin bieber to wanna fuck when we were younger... But noooo we just had hanson
Just ate applesauce I laced with percocets for dinner. I'm pretty sure my grandmother does the same thing.
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i'm sitting in the pool eating chicken pot pie with my little brother's friend. moments like these are the reason i love weed.
I don't think I can handle being a slut. There is a lot more emotional stress that I never realized.
There are parrots here and they're headbanging to the music. There's also a clown and a pit bull that can jump onto tables. Too high for this shit.
Wondering when "babysitting" formed into "sleeping on the couch for five hours nursing a hangover and giving the kids Nyquil."
Cops busted the party. A kid dressed as a dinosaur tried to crawl out the bathroom window but his tail got stuck. It took 3 cops to pry him out.
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I got us chalkboard mugs. Now whoever comes home with us can feel comfortable in the morning! I am too considerate to my one-night stands...
Hey is there a picture of me in a trash can on your phone?
The doctor that gave me my std test is trying to hook me up with her daughter lol
Aside from the possibility of pregnancy, I'm going to call last night a raging success.
I never thought wine and chicken nuggets would end up being a thing that I did, but here we are
Just paid for my STD meds using a giftcard I got for Christmas. Thanks mom.