the new apple iphone has a feature that can find itself if you lose it, apple is getting closer to making a phone completely drunkproof...
She announced her abortion via fbk
yea and when she crawled to her room she yelled at a bookbag to "get the fuck out my way"
The dentist just called my mother to confirm the appointment that I made on his answering machine at 4:33 am this morning..
Either he masturbated at the end of the bed or she gave him a bj. Either way my bed was shaking and I was uninvolved.
I woke up tied to the door handle with reindeer patterned socks. You can tell it's Christmas.
I feel like a Europe failure cause I'm coming home from the club at 3:30 and so many people are just arriving... Wtf? 3:30am People! Drink earlier!
It's a Tuesday.
Even dream me is a champ at smoking weed
Next time I think buying tan-thru bikinis is a good idea, remind me of that time I passed out in one and burned the epic shit out of my pussy.
When was that?
Yesterday. Bring aloe. For my pussy.
well one of us has to be wrong and it's not going to be me
Yeah but sometimes your vagina needs to be fed and when we are drunk we tend to eat junk food
Watching a bear prancing around in a tiara is worth a loss of bar time.
Serious question, on a scale of go for it to what the fuck are you thinking, what's me going to a monk or any religious official and saying "baptize me daddy" in a serious voice?
I knew you were on something when you said you were a puppy and you ate all the frosty Paws dog ice cream which says not for human consumption right on the side of it.
Oh no. He's definitely text-flirting with me. No straight man over 30 has any other excuse to use so many smiley faces...
Randomize
