I'm pretty sure I have jizz on the back of the dress I wore to church. Awesome.
I just punched cris angel in the balls. I have photos.
just found a sign outside my brothers door "not going to church, don't even try" and he is covered is vomit in his bed.
i knew she was high when she broke up the cookies into her glass of milk and ate it like cereal
People Are Arguing Over This Guy’s Petty Reaction To Splitting Lunch With His Co-Worker
This whole night would have been avoided if the liquor store had air heads
i love that youre following in my footsteps.. pissing yourself on your birthday is an honor and a privlege
I hate about 85% of people that I meet. I'm an awful person. In reality my only redeeming qualities are my face, my amazing scissoring skills and the fact that children love me.
True on all accounts.
You were drunk it couldn't have been that bad
I've never been drunk enough to enjoy getting a blister on my dick.
I'm going to avoid eye contact because my old high school English teacher is not who I feel like seeing after I just had a dick in my mouth
Girl Logs Into Twitter Only To Find Out Her Dad Is Trending For The Most Outrageous Reason
I also farted in bed this morning and said, "I don't even care. My body deserves that."
Whelp, I woke up on the front lawn this morning. I have got to stop wearing these underwear. Every time I do, I end up puking in someone's greenery.
I don't need this shit right now. I just woke up covered in pistachios
Grrr. Fine. You get oral for being unwrong.
Tequilla is a sneaky bitch ninja that doesn't kick in until you least expect it. Then BAM! You're peeing in unconventional places.
Beard. Chest hair. Job.
The holy trinity.