it's kinda bad that we're already planning travel arrangements to his funeral
You blacked out and walked in on my neighbor breast feeding at 3am yelling "where is my best friend". I think we should go apologize.
I lost it last night. That was humiliating. Cincinnati is now covered in my puke.
I feel like I ran a fucking marathon on my knees last night and there are bruises to prove it.
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I just tried to text you by typing "whoa" into my contacts.
Dude, you need to man up. You passed out before a PRESEASON game. It's a long season.
Did he seem like the type of guy that would maybe take weed as payment?
he signed me a blank check so today i get to decide if i want to be a saint or a millionaire
I don't think she can come out, she went too hard in the Intro to Theater Drinking Game at 2:30
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She was drunk and naked on our couch, sweating and masterbating to SNL. We made eye contact and she didn't even stop. It's new-roommate-o-clock
I'm sure we could make a ball of yarn and a nickel into a drinking game
She'll feel so accomplished if she finally gets to bang me.
I thought you couldn't go near Germans after that restraining order
Took an adderall for the first time in a few weeks. Spent 45 minutes peeling an orange TO PERFECTION.
i spent most of last night convincing myself that dan akroyd wasn't actually standing in my bathroom holding a dead chicken