she's sitting on the other side of the room at this party. with her smirnoff tucked in that little opening between her cleavage and shirt. drinking from a straw. snapping her fingers off beat.
you have to be so drunk to ignore a taser
it's sad when i round the corner and the dog goes directly for the liquor store
My roommate is on the phone with one of her friends trying to figure out how she threw up IN her pants. I'm not sure whether to burst out laughing or direct her towards Plan B.
Woman Using Lunch Break To Find Another Job Gets Hilariously Snitched On By The Local News
He got about halfway through singing "Drift Away" before he passed out and broke my coffee table.
Thanks for the ave Maria song you left on my phone that lasted for TEN minutes.
I really want to know why half of my kitchen floor is missing.
I had to help you off the toilet floor because you couldn't get up, then you threw your drink on the floor and just said "oh dear" really calmly.
Nice just gets you lonely or dead. I don't like those options.
28 ‘Thanks For Coming To My Ted Talk Tweets’ Funnier And More Informative Than An Actual Ted Talk
So, it's been almost 3 months and and I still dont know her last name. That's gotta be a record.
He gave me a script of norcos and touched my balls so overall it's been a good day.
She had never heard the term "grundle" before. Classiest girl I've met in months
He finger blasted me like an angel dude
Drunk him got in a fight with his wife he literally bought a plane ticket and flew to Hawaii. He just called me and asked why I let it happen. From Hawaii hahaha.
His truck was very sexy. Unfortunately, shortly thereafter, I discovered that the whole overcompensating thing is very true...