I just got this text "hi this is Julie, I met you last night in the bathroom. You asked me to text you and remind you that you ate an entire lime, because you figured your sober self in the morning would be confused."
Lost my virginity in a banana suit. Glad I waited.
One good thing about being a mom now, I can tell which guys I'm dating were breastfed and which weren't... By the way they latch on to my breast during sex! Kinda kills the mood.
I just looked at a girl and was like what disease does she have? And then my mind caught up ohhh shes pregnant.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Ok not good, my info has definitely been submitted to this sugar daddy website before.
Time is so short and I miss you. (I just watched that commercial where the people all laugh and get older and die.)
They are the perfect team. One always has weed, the other always has cigarettes. They're like the Batman and Robin of drugs
I found our waiter on grindr, gave him my number, and got him to send a dick pic. Still not getting laid but close enough?
he literally referred to his penis as the alaskan bull worm from spongebob. when can we get married
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
u kept repeating to itself "hot cheetos and nacho cheese sauce.."
you can't get cum all over my hair and then tell me you just want to be friends
Who knew that the guy I fucked on your front lawn during welcome week freshman year would turn out to be my husband
I woke up at 5am on my couch, naked, with a cereal bowl of water next to me. Apprently, drunk me thought I was a kitten last night. Super impressed I slept next to the bowl all night and didn't spill a drop.
You just sent me an audio message of you peeing. That’s true love right there.
They gave my sperm a pep talk after they found out we were trying.to have.a baby.
Randomize