I'll forget this but out at 4am with a lesbian model at lil waynes bday party for the record
I swear coke makes your nose hairs grow out of control
At this point, I would light birthday candles in my vagina for free drinks
If I saw Perez Hilton naked I think I would stick a lit candle down my throat.
nothing cures the holiday blues like an open bar
Im pretty sure it started going awry when I asked their mom "How much would it cost me to sleep with your daughters"
Are you available to help carry me into the house Monday?
Just saw you drinking out of a flask on national tv. I've never been more proud of you
he said verbatim, he wants to "bang you hard".
our friendships a beautiful delicate flower...that has been crushed by peni
Apparently, the Mormons have taken over airports. I was told by a befuddled looking clerk I couldn't buy a beer with breakfast before 6am.
I just pulled a seven inch black hair out of my ass. Pretty sure that means we're dating now
Seriously my new passion in life is the girth of his penis
I'm only texting you this bc god forbid circumstances change when you wake up but currently santa is asleep on top of the washer and dryer.
Dammit. the window insulation sheets are too small for my windows. Yet again I am disappointed by size
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