She told me that she had to rub her face against me because she was part cat.
I Just paid off the bartender to help me convince this chic my roommate's gay. This is the best cockblock ever.
Because it is about to snow, I sent him for Diet Coke and cigarettes. It's the gay version of milk and bread.
Just gave a urinal high five to a complete stranger. Might not be such a bad night after all
He tied my whole arm, in its cast, to the headboard first. He mumbled something about safe, sane, and consensual?
New level of stoned. My Terry's Chocolate Orange didn't 'whack-and-unwrap' so I ate it like an apple.
My life is over. I farted in open court. Noticeably. The judge looked at me. It echoed.
If I get there and all he has for my big valentines surprise is his body, I'm dumping his ass and posting his dirty pictures on a porn site so people can laugh at him.
I just gave an orange Froot Loop the finger for falling on the floor instead of my mouth when I was pouring a mini box of cereal into my face.
Did you put pizza in my boxers last night?
I left you 4 hours ago. Have you been walking around with shit in your pants all day?
I made out with about ten people last night. And four of them were just on the way to my car from the bar. And one was my roommate.
Are you serious?! She sent a pizza instead of showing up?!
She did indeed. Papa Johns. It helped because I was super hangry. That bitch is smart!
So high I legit spent 20mins in the shower just holding my tits cuz they feel bigger than normal.
We aren't doing Shrooms tonight bc that would be friendship cheating on you
Come over.
Look lady I can't have sex with you EVERY day. I have things to do.
Randomize
