Alcohol only hurts me because he loves me.
did that guy on the oscars really just tell me to text a dolphin?
Because it is about to snow, I sent him for Diet Coke and cigarettes. It's the gay version of milk and bread.
I dont know how to say this. But the hottest girl where im at has one arm.
apparently i was cut off before i even walked in
He's coming back with me for the week. It took me saying "I don't wanna drive myself home... I'm better as a passenger giving road head" for him to jump at it. Rack another one up for my magical openings.
Just spent the last 5 minutes laughing at my epipen. i think i'm too high.
Can't. I took a Viagra to make sure I wouldnt leave the room so I might actually study.
Are you still crying. What are you doing. Have 10 shots of tequila.
why are there 3 differently sized panties on our kitchen counter?
I just can't have sex in the car again. it's just too much
I'm at 45 minutes post orgasm, and I still feel my insides spasming. Pretty sure I just fucked Superman.
Do you ever go take a shit and end up sitting on the toilet for like 45 minutes wondering what the fuck you're doing with your life?
Everyday my friend, everyday.
Hypothetical question: Would it be wrong to tell the annoying children who don't listen to their parents that the motel is haunted?
It was like Lady and the Tramp, but just tramp and the tramp. And instead of spaghetti and meatballs, we had whiskey and cups
Randomize
