you can't spend the night you always smell like dirty underwear and my roommates complain
maybe we dont have boyfriends because we dont have tans
I wish I could still say I don't know that you taste like bad ice cream.
That blackeyed peas song was on, so I thought that was prediciting tonight was going to be a good night. And then my garage door opner fell and hit me in the head.
I literally just copy and pasted that from another bbm convo bc I'm far too stoned to explain that again.
I kept waking up & seeing my Goodfellas poster and thinking it was a window with people crammed against it staring at me.
I guess the lighting in my room made it look like they were moving. I remember telling myself that they were watching over me and protecting me from the cops
let's skip the party, and just play drunken wii, again. its time to give my vag a break.
He's doing the single life. He recently finished like a 3 year relationship. You can't date him.
But I don't want to date him. I just want to look at him. Naked. And in my bed.
I told him he didn't want "flip-flop extraction" on his medical history.
We asked an illegal alien to buy us beer. He didn't even want a tip. I'm going to Washington to plead that case.
Supposedly i was taking multiple birth control pills while screaming dot judge me. Never going back
Her life is proof that being a drunken slut will get you places.
I just pulled the nickels from earlier out of my bra in class. The guy next to me is either terrified or intrigued.
I'd like to thank you for ensuring I didn't die. Id also like to show you the most impressive bruise you will perhaps ever see
We're the worst. Two people without their shit together do not make a functional adult.
Omg. I definitely just got hit on by my doctor AFTER he completed my pap smear which clearly showed I was in the middle of an outbreak. What. The. Fuck.
Randomize
