I hate having morals and standards the next morning.
life lesson# 3: saying thank you on a subway really means "im not a native new yorker, so please feel free to touch my ass"
hmm. interesting. explain how you came across this knowledge.
i sneezed. he said bless you. i said thank you. he groped. i again said thank you.
her roommate was in the bathroom for over an hour so i volunteered to take the dog out and i shit in the bushes
I've never felt so epic in my entire life as I do right now, my bare testicles staring down the ocean itself
There is nothing more embarrassing than your birth control alarm going off while in a meeting with your boss and they tell you to take it.
And then my hands went numb and no one believed me so I started putting peoples cigarettes out on them. Shitty idea i'll tell you that much
Remember when we were coked out at that house and we were trying to meditate in the bathroom? Who's house were we at?
I'm not sure... How do you tell someone who was so smashed they couldn't remember shoving their dick into the fireplace that their mother actually witnessed the whole thing?
Friends don't let friends put redi whip in their wine
You have all semester to unpack your car, quarter jello shots only last until 10.
She'll feel so accomplished if she finally gets to bang me.
Look, if a guy shows up at your house. He's short, name is Logan, has weird vertical hair, let him in, give him food, and a place to stay. He's on a ver important mission. And I am he. as he is me and we are all together. And we are the eggman, goo goo gajoob.
She says the reason I don't talk to her is because I'm "emotionally lazy" what ever that means
You threw away your W2 to make more room in your purse for liquor.
you were huddled over the toilet, throwing up, and every few seconds you'd look up and say "this is such a waste of vodka" then put your head back down and start puking again
Randomize
