My main thought on the Olympics: I need LESS cowbell.
I felt like a fire hydrant the vomit just kept coming out
I didn't even realize you were getting that drunk until bam!
is bam when I fell down the stairs or when I threw up standing at the bar?
Can you tell me how this chicken finger got in my pillow case?
Remind me to switch to jello when you decide to do shots off my ass. It's so much easier to clean than this pudding.
And on the subject of embracing my inner whore, I had two different dicks in my mouth yesterday. Friend, it's official. I'm completely outta control.
Well, somebody (me) put on reindeer antlers, crawled around on the floor, and meowed at people... So yeah, I'd say it was "one of those nights"
how do you ask an olympian for your underwear back?
Ryan Reynolds is on sesame street right now. Dressed as a letter A but still sexy as fuck. PBS is so considerate of the stay at home mom.
Tbh I fell asleep cuddling a bag of Brazilian nuts. Franzia never dissappoints me
Btw there's a hedgehog in my room. Don't get it high
I was about to google "rabies and sexual activity." Then I realized I was at work.
Dude I was tripping acid when she was crying and I literally couldn't defend myself
the guy next to you kind of looks like a penguin. i'm going to fuck him
My ex is stopping by while he’s working tonight after delivering a pizza to fuck me, then going back to work at Pizza Hut. This is what my life has become.
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