I wish scraping a resin bowl could be considered cleaning.
She's mad at me cuz I told her having a fuck buddy was too much commitment.
I'm trapped in whichever ring of hell is populated by inbred yokels and type 2 diabetes.
i just lost my virginity over my 3 hour lunch break..
u hav a 3 hour lunch break?!
i like how the length of my lunch break is the thing that phases u
Using the ceiling fan to slice the hotdogs in mid-air can only be contributed to our liberal use of 1800.
please come over and have sex with me so we can talk about prom and kill 2 birds with one condom
I tried to take a photo for proof but couldn't hold my penis, camera, and measuring tape all at the same time.
He's going to be my graduation present to myself.
That feeling when you're ready to convert to the religion of whatever god will stop the vomit. Dynamite is illegal.
I can still taste the Jäger. I'm gonna shoot myself.
I blew him while the canoe was sinking...I think of it as the better version of the titanic
I just sat on the floor of my shower for 20 minutes to punish myself for drunk me's decisions.
I'm not complaining, but why is it that every time I hang out with you I come home with random injuries and random girls?
I let a 30 year old guitar player that works at a call center go down on me in his backseat last night
You offered him a “Sorry I Blew Your Brother” Blowjob. How does that make it right?
I promised him it would be better than the one I gave his brother which is really nice of me since their actually only half brothers and his brother is cuter
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