Last night drunk me texted a sure to be hungover me my class schedule and locations for today. I'm like a mom preparing her child for the first day of school
My mom wanted me and my brother to have some bonding time before I left for school. Our bonding time consisted of us smokin a few bowls then goin to Red Robin to cure the munchies. Ooo how I love family time :)
The man at the Honda dealership told me I smell like vodka and probably shouldn't be driving.
You told the bartender you needed 2 beers, and a shot of his cum...
he broke up with me while standing outside, half naked, waiting to fuck him. i feel like a leper right about now.
He woke up screaming about pickles. I think it's gonna be a good day.
Do 'mystery' cracked ribs heal any quicker than regular ones?
He painted his chest for the game... I just fucked an exclamation point.
We don't have a lot of plans besides weed and cake
Nothing like pulling a bottle of vodka out of your purse at 7am in the security line to make your fellow passengers uncomfortable...
Our motto for the night: BLACK OUT OR BACK OUT.
That's our motto every night.
You told her you double majored in Geology and Telekinesis. When has that line ever worked for you?
My sister just showed me a snap chat that I don't remember sending, it was a picture of me with two big macs in my bra with just the words "BURGER TITS"
I ate mushroom chocolates & went to the botanical gardens for Christmas. HAPPY FUCKING HOLIDAYS
Her dad had just brought down their giant American flag for 4th of July and we fucked on it. I have never been more patriotic
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