my sister and i are watching a movie and pregaming together. and by pregaming i mean shes not drinking since she 14 and im drinking alone.
we went through the mcdonalds drive through and you asked for a free sample of their fries to see how you liked them.
airport. 106 proof japanese liquor. 4 little travel size containers. im proud to be smarter than the average american.
i told her she would have to blow me everytime we lost a game of beer pong, she never noticed i purposely hit our opponents in the face every other shot
No mixer. Vodka in yogurt?
and then you seriously asked him to senior prom..which freaked him out since you told him earlier you were 22
Woke up handcuffed to a half gallon of beam. Yep. This is my life.
It's like I opened a door and behind it lay mythical creatures sprinklin fairy dust upon the land leading me to a pot of gold. And that gold is some delicious cock.
I cannot believe he got soft mid fuck. I just hope he bought that horrible impression you did of my dad. I love you though, you came in clutch tonight.
It was the least I could do after throwing up in your purse.
The maintenance guy says happy birthday. Also, he likes your penis balloon.
Like for real, is your junk ok? I have to look after my investments.
it's taken me 3 hours to eat this pudding cup. I think I am melting.
I want to have sex in my car again before I put the car seat back in
I have got to move on from this "sleeping with every drug dealer I meet" phase.
she prefaced telling me she was pregnant with "houston, we have a problem"
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