True or false: I did not bring home a 28 year old last night.
True? Did she teach you things?
She taught me the meaning of awkward goodbyes at 530 am.
I realize that when i start making 24-themed music videos in my head to the song 'love is a battlefield' that i really need to get out more
You talked to that cop for like 15 minutes and when you got back, you told us you were "networking".
I am like king midas for the gay community. everything I touch turns into a lesbian.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Just checked an empty cooler on the flight to Notre Dame. You don't have to tell me you're jealous, I already know.
The guy in the next stall screamed courtesy flush and then puked. Bless you Vegas
Honestly, I've had enough of his asshole to last me the new year.
Please tell me you're talking about his personality.
idk, it started getting weird when they were looking up videos of lesbian giraffes
I'm going for high school drunk, you've got 15 minutes to get here.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I think you're too young for vagina rejuvenation but I guess you have never been one to listen. Sounds good! You bring the Percocet ill bring the vodka!
The dog just shocked himself by peeing on Christmas lights, should I have saw that coming?
This dude has batman tighty whities on over his cargo pants and he has the nerve to yell "fuck you bitch" up at my window.
I may or may not have spiked my gatorade to get through a game of monopoly with these children.
one of my coworkers asked me if I was PMSing today...... excuse me sir, but it is none of your business as to what my uterus is or is not doing right now. fucker.
and yea, I'm PMSing.
when i woke up with rugburns on the tops of my feet, knees, and chin i was a little confused. and then i remembered i had sex with him in his friends walk in closet.
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