At my boss' house at a bbq. Had a few beers. Taking a poop - there's no TP...this is my nightmare.
Hi
Babe...You're really smothering me right now
You were face down, at your computer, surrounded by beer bottles listening a bagpipes version of amazing grace.
If I had a nickel for every time my parents threatened to stop paying tuition I would be a very rich man. Rich enough to pay my own tuition.
So I've only had a mustache for about 5 minutes and I'm already pretty sure it's the best decision I've ever made.
The sign in front of ihop says "designated drivers get half off their order"
He violated my cat. I was not impressed.
We played "race the Jimmy John's driver". Order, then see if we can finish sex before the food arrives.
Does it qualify as sexting if you're both pretending to be fictional characters?
I'm not sure whether to be proud of you or weirded out.
I think the exact words were 'I'd lett him to the weirdest shit to me'
Being drunk with magicians is fucking mind blowing. This Asian guy just made a platypus appear and disappear. This is not a drill.
Right as the plane left the gate the brownies kicked in. I dont think the guy next to me appreciated my engine noises as we took off
Considering who their parents are, maybe you should use vodka for the baptism.
We are actually the same person except with opposite genitalia, which are both incredible.
Crawl out into the sunshine and off your vibrator for 7 minutes
Randomize
