i either got mauled last night by a velociraptor or an angry lipstick lesbian. could have been both
i was just outside smoking and i saw a hooker sing "i wish i knew who your daddy was" to her new born baby. someone explain to me why i ever left chicago to go to college...
why didn't we just drop out of school years ago and become dominatrix bitches who beat men?
I don't know but we should still do that
Just shot my load on a stink bug. Thought you should know.
I want to punch and suck your dick at the same time. I don't think we have the healthiest of relationships.
I need to figure out how to tell my doctor that I don't want to fix my possible fertility problems until AFTER I'm done whoring around in my 20s.
Oh and I found some acid for the drive back to school, productive day
You hid from a cop under some guy's canoe on his lawn.. It didnt work
Just watched a guy get through airport security with a full bottle of captain morgan. In my head the entire airport cheered.
you walked in on him eating me out and screamed SHE'LL BREAK YOUR HEART BRO before body slamming on the ground and passing out on the floor
I vaguely remember seeing that couple making out in front of that store and i yelled "I ALSO LOVE THE ROCKY MOUNTAIN SOAP COMPANY!"
Last night I dreamt that I sold my car and used the money to have wheels surgically implanted in my feet and legs so I became a human heely and I just rolled everywhere
So my balls are accidently making an appearance on snapchat
He said when the pizza came I zip locked one slice and went to the couch and snuggled with it. Does that give you an idea of how my night was?
Hot fire fighters installing my closet. Don't know how to go about this. Gonna nonchalantly take my shirt off and see what happens..
Randomize
