Got bored today and made list of places in apt I want to have sex. One includes opening and coming out the window.
If I die, please delete the word file entitled "Rainy Day"
Ever since I got married, I've become the MacGuyver of masturbation
Her brother walked in on her giving me a bj and just laughed. I got a highfive before I left.
Blood. All over. Pre coke adventure needs to slow down unless I'm involved
Noooo. I told you she WAS a cancer. Not that she HAS cancer. This was the one time being a doctor didnt get you laid you alcoholic bastard
My mom said she saw you at the bar last night and asked how you were. She said, you replied with, "Oh you know, just knocked up."
Figured I'd get right to the point
I went online and donated $30 to his walk-a-thon as a "sorry I puked in your bed last night"
As soon as they started using chocolate milk as a chaser for captain Morgan, I thought l it'd be best to leave.
Just saw my ex AGAIN. The constellation of gays must be at some sort of weird point with Mercury.
If he doesn't fuck you on the 4th of July, he doesn't really love this country.
I've never been to an orgy, but I would assume nachos wouldn't be out of the question at one.
I snuck in through the doggy door to get his vodka. Do you think my ex will know?
Yeah like stabbing myself through the eye with a coffee stir and bleeding out all over the office rug
May I the honors of taking your dick tonight?
The honor would be all mine.
I may or may not have been feeling patriotic and banged Captain America in a closet. SPOILER ALERT: We broke his shield
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